APRIL FOOLS
Most people are aware that a large cargo ship, stuck in Egypt’s Suez Canal, has been blocking global trade for several weeks. But unbeknownst to most in the Keys is that an ensuing shortage in pulp, the raw material used to make toilet paper, will soon leave residents without toilet paper for weeks, if not months, to come.
“We saw this happen during the COVID lockdown around this time last year,” said Bob Eadie, administrator of the Florida Department of Health in Monroe County. “But that was just a ripple compared to the tidal wave coming at us if they don’t get that boat out of the canal. We could be looking at months before toilet paper makes it back to shelves here in the Keys.”
The problem stems from a pulp shortage, which manufacturers like Suzano SA, the world’s largest producer of wood pulp out of Brazil, says can cause months of shortages — even after the cargo ship is dislodged from the canal. To make matters worse, a majority of the nation’s pulp products, including toilet paper, is imported through California and the northeastern United States, meaning Florida (in particular, the Florida Keys) are typically the last to receive shipments of toilet paper.
At an emergency county commission meeting this week, which prompted overtime pay for more than 43 county employees, Eadie warned that a toilet paper shortage of this magnitude could lead to various health hazards beyond the obvious risks of cholera, typhoid, hepatitis and polio.
“I worry about a panicked rush on toilet paper at grocery and convenience stores,” said Eadie, “It’s one thing when people can’t get gas before or after a hurricane. It’s another thing when people are left sitting there with their pants around their ankles and looking for a way to preserve some dignity. We could see messy altercations across the county.”
Monroe County Sheriff Rick Ramsay said the sheriff’s office has already created a strategic plan to police stores that sell toilet paper in the county, including posting officers inside and outside of various locations.
“I was forced to use my Taser on several civilians buying toilet paper in bulk during the COVID lockdowns,” said MCSO Capt. Jon Crane, who typically parks his squad car behind the Stock Island CVS on most work days. “There was small, inconspicuous signage that clearly warned shoppers to limit their purchases. I had several elderly ladies think they could skirt the system last time by acting confused or pretending not to be able to read the small print. But if people think they are above the law, you can be assured they will pay the price.”
But many Keys residents say that police warnings will not deter them from buying up toilet paper in preparation for the inevitable shortage.
“I’m monitoring the situation daily,” said Bobby Mongelli, a Key West restaurant owner who had several “altercations” at a local Publix during the last toilet paper shortage. “Tasers don’t scare me. What scares me is wearing an adult diaper to work for two months. And that just ain’t gonna happen again.”
But Eadie said residents should look for alternative and creative ways to replace toilet paper, should we face another shortage.
“Small squirt guns make for the perfect, mobile bidet,” said Eadie. “It takes a minute to get used to, but I know a lot of people who quit toilet paper altogether once they got used to the tingling sensation.”
However, the looming crisis does offer a silver lining for several Keys residents, who now have an opportunity for redemption. Another Key West restaurateur, Bill Lay, and a local Key West Realtor, Martha Robinson, were both captured at different locations on Facebook Live buying toilet paper in bulk during the COVID lockdown, which ultimately led to the previous shortage. Between the two residents, more than four tons of toilet paper were consumed, leading to community outrage against the two locals.
“I received a lot of hate mail and burning bags of poop on my doorstep from March until about September of last year,” said Robinson. “But I promise to do right by the community this time around. I have a site set up that will allow locals to bid on rolls of toilet paper beginning in April. This way it’s fair and everyone wins.”
Bill Lay echoed Robinson’s charitable initiative, saying he plans to use his excess tissue as currency over the next several months.
“I had friends buying up bitcoin while I stocked up on toilet paper last year,” said Lay. “ Sure, they laughed at me then, but you can’t wipe your ass with cryptocurrency, so who’s laughing now.”
Lay said his plans to barter with toilet paper will stimulate the economy, while pushing a much-needed commodity back out into the community during a time of need.
Regardless, the next several months pose major challenges for the Florida Keys, but officials are urging the public to shop sensibly and look for alternative options to replace toilet paper.
“Adult diapers are a pragmatic replacement and can be reasonably fashionable at beaches and pools,” said MCSO Capt. Jon Crane. “I’ve been wearing a diaper for years while on duty and I find they offer a unique peace of mind — and it’s important to note that I always recycle.”
Crane says other alternatives should be considered, including old socks, palm fronds and copies of the Keys Weekly Newspapers. To share your own toilet paper experience, please call 305-555-0401 to leave a message. Or email April@fool.com.
