Even before Hurricane Irma was 200 miles offshore, it started. Sharknado was going to hit the Florida Keys. What? Wait, WHAT? Yes supposedly Irma’s spinning metropolis was filled with sharks that were somehow going to pistol whip us to death. Not only would we deal with wind and rain but sharks swirling above our tin roofs? And then the 30-foot tsunami that would take place washing us away like guppies, oh puh-lease. Rumors, rumors … so here are some laughable goodies after the fact…
1. Worst: Hundreds of dogs were left to die. The FSPCA did a great job of finding foster homes for every pet. Personal pets that were lost found active caretakers, so not true!
2. Worst: Hundreds of Keys residents died. Well, that is just ridiculous. Our livers may have taken a hit, but our hearts: strong as ever.
3. Implausible: Homeland Security would evacuate the 10,000 residents who stayed for Hurricane Irma. Nope.
4. Plausible but hysterical: Snake Creek Bridge went down. Settle down, Henny Penny.
5. Wishful thinking: Jason Koler, owner and publisher of The Keys Weekly, was moving out of the Keys and enrolled his kids in school in Ohio. Actually, he’s here to stay, as evidenced by the paper in your hands.
6. Gross: An aircraft carrier arrived carrying 4,000 body bags to help remove the bodies from the Keys. Well, they can use those for the contents of our refrigerators, especially for those who keep bait in the fridge!
7. False: Navy will confiscate boats that washed up on the property. The Navy is trying to locate any owners of boats of its property and give them back. The Navy has its own boats, big expensive cool boats, so thank you, but they don’t need ours.
8. Hopefully not true: We won’t have Comcast for two months. It’s coming back in the Upper Keys; hang tight, lower Keys! “Game of Thrones” is coming.
9. False: Trump came to the Keys. He may have flown over, but it’s a wet foot-dry foot situation, you have to be on land to claim you have been here (and buy a mojito).
10. Totally False: Keys city officials disappointed. No, they were fearless, efficient, tireless individuals who took on an impossible job with grace and unmatched fortitude. They had our backs and made us #keysstrong.