Americans are on the edge of their seats, waiting to learn how the coronavirus vaccine will be distributed and when. The Keys Weekly has an inside track:
- Purchase a “COVID Fast Pass” by making a sizable donation to a state legislator, your local hospital’s foundation or Dr. Anthony Fauci’s favorite charity – The Unified Fund for Young, Athletic, Single Moms.
- Falsified nursing transcripts to secure a job as a front line health care worker.
- Pen a heartbreaking letter to Mr. Kristopher Kringle, c/o The North Pole.
- Remind your local Health Department Administrator about the time he slept with your sister and never called her back.
- Purchase it on eBay. Should be cheaper and easier to find than a PlayStation 5.
- Visit www.clinicaltrials.gov/wuhanflu and register yourself as a “human guinea pig with an affinity for communicable diseases.”
- Camp out in front of the local clinic as if you are waiting for concert tickets or the latest iPhone.
- Move to a country where everyone is treated as equals – like Cuba.
- Legally change your name to “Pfizer” and simply demand that your property be returned.
- Dye your hair orange, get on Twitter and just wish it to happen.
