Americans are on the edge of their seats, waiting to learn how the coronavirus vaccine will be distributed and when. The Keys Weekly has an inside track:

  1. Purchase a “COVID Fast Pass” by making a sizable donation to a state legislator, your local hospital’s foundation or Dr. Anthony Fauci’s favorite charity – The Unified Fund for Young, Athletic, Single Moms.
  1. Falsified nursing transcripts to secure a job as a front line health care worker.
  1. Pen a heartbreaking letter to Mr. Kristopher Kringle, c/o The North Pole.
  1. Remind your local Health Department Administrator about the time he slept with your sister and never called her back.
  1. Purchase it on eBay. Should be cheaper and easier to find than a PlayStation 5. 
  1. Visit www.clinicaltrials.gov/wuhanflu and register yourself as a “human guinea pig with an affinity for communicable diseases.”
  1. Camp out in front of the local clinic as if you are waiting for concert tickets or the latest iPhone.
  1. Move to a country where everyone is treated as equals – like Cuba.
  1. Legally change your name to “Pfizer” and simply demand that your property be returned.
  1. Dye your hair orange, get on Twitter and just wish it to happen.

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