Alert readers from last week will remember that this column topic was suggested by Weekly copy editor Mike Howie. Mike gave me the idea of writing a couple of columns about songs with women’s names in the titles — last week’s was the good, and this week features the not-so-good.
“Sweet Caroline,” Neil Diamond. Okay, there are far worse songs. But how many times do we have to listen to “BAA BAA BAA!” each time someone plays that song in a bar? So good, so good, so good? No. Even Neil Diamond must be sick of this by now.
“Gloria,” The Them. G-L-O-R-I-A Gloria! Ugh. This was not one of Van Morrison’s best moments. And Laura Branigan’s song with the same title isn’t much better.
“My Sharona,” The Knack. The less time spent pondering this song, the better. Let’s move on.
“Lucille,” Kenny Rogers. If you were alive in the 1970s, you were sick of this song. Lucille was not a nice woman to leave behind four hungry children and crops in the field.
“Jennifer Juniper,” Donovan. One of the most annoying songs of the 1960s. And it rivals “Hurdy Gurdy Man” as Donovan’s most annoying song.
“Angie Baby,” Helen Reddy. This is one of the strangest songs ever written. It’s about a seemingly mentally ill girl who has special powers to suck a neighbor boy into her radio, and she gets to take him out now and again when she needs to be satisfied. As the song says, “It’s so nice to be insane, no one asks you to explain.”
“Sylvia’s Mother,” Dr. Hook. This is a truly annoying song written in the voice of a pathetic loser having a phone conversation with his (ex-?) girlfriend’s mother, begging for just one more chance to speak with Sylvia. The mother is the sympathetic character in the song — but that’s not really saying much. If you like whining and sniveling in a song, this one’s for you. Sylvia should thank her lucky stars her mother intervened to keep her away from the singer.
“Elvira,” Oak Ridge Boys. “Giddy up oom poppa oom poppa mow mow” — what insightful lyrics. And the songwriter was accused of stealing them from an earlier song! The Boys should have just stuck with gospel.
“Think of Laura,” Christopher Cross. I’d rather not.
“Tell Laura I Love Her,” Ray Peterson. A 1960 melodrama where the boy dies … thinking of Laura.
“867-5309/Jenny,” Tommy Tutone. I feel really bad for all the people in 1982 in each area code who actually had 867-5309 as their phone number. This song was all over the radio and annoyed most people named Jenny as well as those who had that number.
“Jane,” Starship. Another 1980s song that might even be more annoying than “867-5309/Jenny.”
“Barbie Girl,” Aqua. She should have just stayed in the Dream House with Ken. Then we might have been spared this song.
“Black Betty,” Ram Jam. Damn. This is one of the most annoying songs of the 1970s, and it’s possibly about a rifle and not a woman. But who cares? Bamb-a-lam.
“Lola,” The Kinks. Technically, this song might not qualify because Lola might not be a woman.
“Hey Paula,” Paul & Paula. Cloying, annoying, soul-destroying.
“If U Seek Amy,” Britney Spears. Stupidity disguised as cleverness.
“Judy In Disguise (With Glasses),” John Fred & His Playboy Band. John thought the Beatles song was “Lucy In Disguise With Diamonds.” This hideous little song went to number 1 in 1968, so what do I know?
“Come On, Eileen,” Dexy’s Midnight Runners. Again, there are worse songs. And I’m sure this song means something more in the UK or Ireland. But these lyrics: “Come on Eileen, too loo rye ay…” I’ll pass.
I’d like to thank Mike Howie for the inspiration for these last two columns. It’s been fun to go back and think of these songs, both good and bad. I hope they brought back some musical memories and maybe a smile to your face. An occasional groan is also okay. Just a reminder, there’s no Social Distancing Concert this Friday on Facebook Live, but it will be back next week. See you then!
Catch John Wednesdays at Herbie’s, Thursdays at Sparky’s Landing, Friday on Facebook Live, and Saturday night at the Key Colony Inn. Music wherever you get your streaming or downloads. www.facebook.com/john.bartus
