We know it’s nothing to take lightly, but the mild hysteria surrounding monkeypox has tightened its grip on Florida Keys communities with the first confirmed case reported on July 13. Dr. Mark Whiteside from the county health department told the Key West city commission last month that he’s monitoring the situation, but not losing sleep over it. Regardless, clinics and emergency rooms will be full of people convinced they have the pox. Always here to help, and hopefully put your mind at ease, here are the…

Top 10 misdiagnosed symptoms of monkeypox in the Keys… 

10. Morning headaches, fatigue and dehydration. This is called a hangover. 

9. Apathy toward your career and work. Consistently showing up late, inability to complete tasks and general disdain for anyone who holds you accountable for your job. This is called “Keys Disease.” 

8. Large lumps around your nether regions, often bleeding and itchy. These are called  hemorrhoids, often occurring from extended time spent sitting on wooden bar stools. 

7. Inability to show empathy and a strong belief that “your way is the best way” for everyone else living in the Keys. This is most likely a symptom of your trust fund, which prohibits you from having any awareness of others who actually depend on this community for their income.  

6. Short-term memory loss. This could be caused by the glaucoma you’ve been treating with THC.

5. Heart palpitations. Monkeypox doesn’t cause heart palpitations, but cocaine does.

4. Strange blisters in your nether regions. Dude, you have herpes. It’s the gift that keeps on giving in the Keys for those who have dated more than two separate people during their tenure in Monroe County.

3. Rapid hair loss. This is typically caused by stress stemming from issues like home and rental costs in the Keys, electric bills, grocery bills, day care costs, insurance bills, fuel prices, waiting on a contractor to complete a job, cost of said job from contractor that continues to mount beyond the original quote, hospital bills, battling with the insurance company and hospital over said hospital bill, cost of dining out, kids, people fighting about masks, people fighting about cruise ships, the increasingly long lines at fast food drive-throughs, family visits from in-laws who use you to crash in the Keys, cost of fixing your boat engine, Facebook fights, the cost to store your boat, the shortage of marina space for your boat, the cat food shortage, the midterm elections and everything else. 

2. Chest pain. This is more likely brought on by endless consumption of fried shellfish, tobacco, alcohol and drugs in the Keys. The good news is this is not likely monkeypox.  

1. Sudden growth of an elongated, furry, 3-foot tail from the buttocks area with a craving for bananas and strange tendencies, like picking and eating small insects off your partner and throwing poop at random strangers. In this case, see your physician about monkeypox.