Voting in the Best of Marathon is going on right now, and the winners will be revealed at the big party on Sept. 17 at Marathon Community Park’s amphitheater. There are a boatload of nominees in myriad categories, and sometimes it’s hard to choose among some of our worthy locals. Still, there’s only so much room for all the different categories, and not all of them made the cut. Here are some of the Best of Marathon awards that will not be given out this year.
Food & Drink
This group is a mouth-watering assortment of some of the tastiest treats and luscious libations available in the Middle Keys. Everything that could have been included, however, was not. Think about whom you may have voted for in these categories.
Best Liver & Onions — Sure, not everyone is partial to disgusting organ meats. But does that mean this isn’t a worthwhile award?
Best Grits — Nearly all of the breakfast joints have them. But as a good Southerner knows, not all grits are created equal. And don’t you dare put syrup or sugar on them!
Best Moldy Cheese-Stuffed Olives — To me, olives are pretty awful. Stuff them with moldy bleu cheese, and you can turn my stomach on a dime. Just keep those damn things away from my martini!
Best Hole in the Wall Bar — Sometimes you just want to sit and drink without being disturbed by a musician playing “Brown Eyed Girl” for the 50,000th time. And a bar full of happy drunks singing along with “Sweet Caroline” will put you right over the edge. All you want is a dark bar devoid of lights, windows and pesky guitar pickers, where you can just imbibe in peace.
Best Bar That Doesn’t Exist Any More — There are quite a few contenders here! Think about the Idle Hour, the Reef Bar, the Driftwood Lounge, Fanny’s, the Compass Lounge, the Rum Keg Pub at the old Howard Johnson’s, and Freddie Bye’s old Bottle Club. A lot of old-timers would have a lot of opinions about this!
Our Community
The Best of Marathon strives to recognize those standout members and assets of our community. Again, some awards had to be cut from the voting…
Best Place to Take a Drunk Selfie — It’s 2:45 a.m., you’re a little wobbly, and you think it’s a great idea to document your condition with a selfie. If you could only hold the phone steady.
Best Photo on KEYSSO’s Sheriff’s Log — Admit it, you surf the listing of recent arrests — often just to see if your staff will show up to work today. If you do, you’ll already know that there are some pretty amazing mugshots practically every week.
Best Place for Your Dog to Poop — People walk their dogs all the time, but canines have their preferred places to drop a deuce. This category would allow our local dogs to vote with their butts and choose their favorite happy pooping place.
Best Non-Elected Official — There are a lot of public servants who do amazing jobs for the people they serve, and they often don’t get the recognition they deserve. No jokes here — I am totally serious about worthy local government staff members.
Best Political Ad That’s a Total Lie — Take your pick, there are a lot of them out there this year.
The Businesses
We have a lot of great local businesses, but not all get recognized in the Best of Marathon. Here are a few categories that got rejected.
Best Pump-Outs and Porta-Potties — It’s a really crappy job, but someone has to do it! Vote for the best and cleanest answers to the question of, “Just where do I go?”
Best Local Commercial Airline — Not really an option; this is just to see who’s still reading.
Best Department Store — See the previous category.
Best Corporate/Chain Business — According to the Citizens United decision, corporations are people, too. And people have feelings. Why not choose the best of these and give them a plaque for their corporate wall?
Although these didn’t make the cut, you can still vote for your favorites. Go to keysweekly.com and cast your vote for the Best of Marathon!
– John’s Perpetual Island Tour stops every Monday at Boondocks, Tuesday and Wednesday at the Key Colony Inn, and Thursdays at Sparky’s Landing. Check out John’s music anywhere you stream or download your music! Or point your browser to: johnbartus.hearnow.com
