APRIL FOOLS
In a confusing and inspiring move of solidarity mixed with a bit of desperation, three Florida Keys municipalities have launched a new job search for a manager they can all share.
“Islamorada and Marathon once shared a fire chief and Baptist uses the same CEO for both hospitals,” said one municipal official speaking anonymously from a bar located outside of all three districts. “We put our collective brains together and figured, why not share a manager — kind like an Uber. You only use him when you need him.”
The job posting, found on the Florida League of Cities’ website, seeks a “full-time, professional administrator to implement policies set by three legislative bodies consisting of 16 members. The manager will take direction from two thirds of the majority — or 10.56 members.”
Naturally, Key West will get more votes.
The posting says the ideal candidate will be compensated at the standard city manager rate of about $180,000 a year — a huge cost savings for the municipalities,
“It’s a paltry sum considering what we put those poor bastards through,” said another anonymous elected official from Key West who may look a little like Seth Rogan, but way sexier. “But we are hopeful the perks will draw a high-level professional to the Keys.”
The benefits package includes 21 vacation days per annum as well as 21 personal time-off days (PTO) for each municipality resulting in 184 paid days off including holidays, hangovers, birthdays and other Florida Keys holidays like mini-season, Halloween, Fantasy Fest and any public turtle release. The manager has the option of taking the vacation days or banking them for a big payout. Full severance will be reached after the 30-day on-boarding process.
The posting also outlines job requirements. For instance, due to high housing costs, the manager is not required to live in the Florida Keys, although he/she/ze will be required to visit each municipality at least once a week with the other two days considered “remote” or “virtual” days.
“Traditionally, managers in Monroe County serve 16-24 months and are typically asked to resign with each election cycle,” reads the posting. “All of our elected officials are committed to preserving this trend. Job performance will be evaluated quarterly via an unmanaged, public Facebook group, called, “What up, Manager?’”
When reached for comment the former city managers for Key West, Islamorada and Key Colony Beach said, “No comment.”
Current Marathon City Manager George Garrett said he is not applying for the position, but looks forward to working with the new sucker.
To submit a resume, please visit citymanager0401.gov or call 305-555-0401.
