In late October, Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp would be changing their name to “Meta.” The scheme, uhmm, we mean plan, came about after a whistleblower revealed Facebook and Instagram were purposefully targeting and provoking public discord through deliberate algorithms. Translation: Infuriating posts from your favorite white nationalist that always pop up on your feed were not accidental at all. Not to mention the revelations behind Instagram, which was using anorexic photos to glorify eating disorders and worsening the issue among teen girls. While most companies would fold under a wave of justified outrage, Instagram and Facebook outsmarted us all. How? They simply changed their name. And while “Meta” will continue on with billions in revenue, we took a moment to ask, why didn’t others think of this clever scheme? So we offer… 

Top 10 “brands” that would have benefitted from a name change

10.  Blockbuster: The world’s largest VHS and DVD rental company never adapted to streaming demands. Maybe changing their name to Netflix would’ve helped.

9. Sears (Roebuck & Co.): The retail giant was founded nearly 130 years ago and survived every cultural shift except for the big one – the internet. They should’ve changed their name to “Amazon.”

8. Zima: The world’s first clear, carbonated and flavorful alternative to beer. The flash in the pan should have changed its name to “Hard Seltzer” before 5,000 other companies jumped on the gravy train. 

7. MySpace: The original social media platform may have had a chance at world domination (like Facebook) had it launched after the advent of the smartphone. Should have changed their names to … who cares? It sold for more than half a billion back in 2005.

6. The Washington Redskins: The football organization was under constant scrutiny for their infamous native American racial moniker that began in 1932. Owner Dan Snyder should have changed the name to anything besides “The Washington Football Team.” We like “The Washington Insurrectionists.”

5. Metta World Peace: The infamous basketball player who brawled with fans in the stands should change his name back to Ron Artest, now that Zuckerberg has ruined “Meta” for everyone. 

4. “Pontiac”: An automobile brand shuttered by General Motors in 2010. They should’ve relocated to Korea and renamed themselves “Kia.”

3. Darth Vader: Imposed his evil rule over the galaxy as a Sith Lord. For diplomacy and a less hostile work environment, perhaps he should have just gone by Anakin Skywalker or Mr. Skywalker (if you’re nasty). 

2. Papa John’s Pizza: Almost went under after their founder was recorded making racial slurs and inferences. Should have gratefully changed their name to: “Papa Shaq’s Pizza.” Larger spokesman, better pizza.

1. President Joe Biden: The term of the 46th president of the United States began with a riot and has experienced constant turmoil on a national and global scale ever since. Extremists hoping for more failures in order to validate their beliefs have already changed his name. 

If you would like to have the Weekly delivered to your mailbox or inbox along with our daily news blast, please subscribe here.

Britt Myers traded in a life of monetary success, a chiseled body and intellectual enlightenment for a piece of the pie of the Keys Weekly newspapers. He is also the proud parent of an incredible six-year-old and a sucker for Michael Mann movies and convenience store hot dogs.