It’s the season of sandbar. You go. Your friends go. Your family goes. There are unspoken rules. For example, no one should have to tell you, “Don’t bring a stem wineglass to the sand bar.” Sadly, a few do. As a public service, the Keys Weekly offers up a few more “don’ts.”
- Loudly announce how much you paid for your boat. 1a. Loudly announce you are from Miami (usually comes right after No. 1)
- Take your cell phone anywhere near the water. This never ends well.
- Wear your best pair of sunglasses. This never ends well.
- Invite your sponsor from AA.
- Be “that guy” on the Jet Ski.
- Bitch about the wifi.
- Tell everyone around you in the water how bad you had to pee … 3 seconds ago.
- No matter how many “sodas” you’ve had, it’s never a good idea to break out the flare gun.
- Show up with nothing more than a pack of rolling papers, a can of Pringles and an empty beer koozie.
- Discuss politics, religion or hurricanes.
- Spearfish.
- Speedos. Enough said.
- The first rule of the sandbar is you don’t give sandbar coordinates to tourists.
- The second rule of the sandbar is YOU DO NOT GIVE SANDBAR COORDINATES TO TOURISTS!
- The third rule of the sandbar is if anyone yells stop, goes limp, taps out, the sandbar is over!
