‘Tis the season for locals to get “off the rock.” Generally, that means flying through Miami to get to your final destination. While the mainland has its charms, the Miami airport is generally not one of them. We present:
Top Ten Moments of Existential Dread in the Miami Airport
10. When you find yourself playing chicken with the vehicle for disabled passengers.
9. You’re an hour into Wynwood Warehouse Bar in Terminal E and “All the Single Ladies” is playing for a third time.
8. The moment a tampon falls out of your purse and a man wearing a “I’m not 70, I’m 20 with 50 years of experience” hands it back to you with a wink.
7. When the couple from Ohio continues to use broken (and awkwardly loud) Spanish to communicate with the gift shop lady … who clearly speaks English.
6. You make the fatal decision to eat airport sushi before takeoff.
5. You pick up a business book about “how to make a million before age 40,” and it’s by the guy who used to cheat off you in Pre-Calculus (true story).
4. When you finally lose your shit on everyone from Zone 5 for blocking the terminal boarding entrance 25 minutes before their zone is called.
3. You need to replace your coffee-stained shirt and the only available stores in your terminal are Prada and Versace. And once again you start thinking of ways to end the guy who used to cheat off you in Pre-Cal.
2. When you have the middle seat and the guy nestled beside you in coach, row 33 seat A, also made the fatal mistake of eating airport sushi before takeoff.
1. Three words: Boingo. Hotspot. Sucks.