10. Itching, loss of smell and taste, loss of appetite, vertigo, tightening of the extremities, tingling in the loins, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, chronic diarrhea, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, heart palpitations, patterned baldness, dry mouth and bedwetting.

9. A sudden disinterest in trivial social media debates about protective masks, presidential election recounts, mayoral mandates and conspiracy theories about the Utah monolith.

8. Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits.

7. Erections that last more than three hours. (If this happens, call your doctor immediately — right after you call all your buddies). 

6. An “unusual” urge for sex, weed and gambling. 

5. Strange dreams that include Machine Gun Kelly, your mom and that chick from the AT&T commercials.

4. Temporary memory loss that coincides with holidays, anniversaries and birthdays.

3. Wetting of the pants and forgetting who you are for an hour every time Catherine revs up the microwave.

2. Hairy palms. 

1. Lack of interest in the Weekly’s obviously overstrained creativity and attention to their Top 10 lists.

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