This weekend’s seafood fest at Bayview Park separates the locals from the tourists. There will be plenty of both species, but both tourist and local are often easy to identify. Tourists who sport a fanny pack or pressed cargo shorts stick out like a Miami insurance adjuster at a Red Cross Disaster Center. So, for the thousands of tourists flocking to feast on delicious local seafood this week, we offer our assistance in how to blend here in the Southernmost City. Always here to help—we offer our:
10) Ask for mayo with your stone crab.
9) Shout “Play some Buffett” when Howard Livingston takes the stage.
8) Yammer on about the New England Seafood Fest you attended 20 years ago.
7) Share your lame-ass bass fishing story.
6) Get hammered and spill the butter on Congresswoman Mucarsel-Powell.
5) Ask the beer tent if they carry a honey vegan mead.
4) Throw Mayor Teri Johnston’s name around as you try to score free seafood.
3) Hit on the wife/daughter/grandmother of a commercial fisherman.
2) Say “Conch” like “Haunch.”
1) Ask a commercial fishermen “if the Tilapia is fresh?”