Up until 2015 it was illegal to have liquor stores located within 1,500 feet of one another in Marathon. The law was struck down by the council seated after the 2014 election, signaling the rebirth of free market enterprise in the Middle Keys. 

Now, the 1,500 foot rule will apply to food trucks. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with how far apart food trucks must be parked from brick-and-mortar restaurants. The reality is much more sinister. The ordinance proposed by the planning commission, which must be ratified by the Marathon Council, actually requires would-be food truck vendors to fill out an application and submit actual, human feet in order to receive a license.

“Where am I going to get that many feet?” moaned a distraught “Taco Mike.” “Man, I can barely get my hands on enough high quality cilantro.”

Following Fish and Wildlife Commission guidelines regarding the humane harvesting of the exotic invasive iguanas, the humans targeted for foot “manipulations” must be first clubbed with a blunt instrument or stored in a freezer.

“Burrito Bryan,” who declined to give his real name, operates the neon orange Mexican food truck on the west end of Marathon. Previously he has been cited by the City of Marathon for stadium-bright lights and playing loud polka music late into the night, attracting crowds of late-night party animals from the Elks and Moose lodges. He, too, is dismayed by the planned change to the law.

“This is public policy at its worst. When I heard rumors about what happened at the planning meeting, I thought they were going to ask me to ‘disable’ my truck for a night — like require a parking boot or something. This is just sick as f$%. I’m calling the ACLU right now.”

An informal consortium of mobile food vendors has organized members to hammer out the details of the proposed law. For example, whether an exceptionally large foot, or even well-manicured foot, could possible count as two feet of the 1,500 foot total. 

The Marathon City Council will consider the Planning Commission’s recommendations at its next regularly scheduled meeting on April 1, 2018.

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