Tips for a Single Person On Valentine’s Day
- No drunk Facebook stalking.
- Hang out with our publisher at Curry Mansion.
- Yes, in answer to your question, do not wear red.
- Not the day to take an STD test.
- 5. Remember: Unsolicited selfies (of anything) never ends well.
- Don’t spray cologne onto your nether regions. It’s extremely presumptuous and makes you smell weird at the urinal.
- Trying to impress her with your cooking is a horrible idea. Just buy nice wine instead.
- Don’t take dating advice from our publisher (see # 2).
- Wash your car.
- Indian food? Come on man.
Tips for a Married Person on Valentine’s Day
- Nope, a new broom is not an appropriate gift.
- Let her have the last glass of red wine, and yes, open up another bottle, you fool.
- Just stay in and watch Netflix, you know it’s what you both really want.
- Rent Dunkirk – no one can fight watching Dunkirk.
5 .Shout loudly, “I’m Sorry” and see if you get lucky.
- If she wanted lingerie, she probably would have bought it herself.
- Don’t do anything that will remind her of what you don’t do on the other 364 days of the year (e.g. take the trash out, cook, man-scape, foot rubs, dishes, lawn work, laundry…).
- Remember that ordering porn before sexy time is like a delicate business deal. Mutual consent is always a good policy.
- Don’t tell Siri your safe word. She can play evil pranks at the worst moments.
- Put your phones down for 10 minutes and talk. That way you will remember why you’re always on your phones.