Typically we reserve our Weekly Top 10 lists for humorous anecdotes taken from local and national news headlines. And in fairness, we try to tread with a balanced approach to cover all sides of the political and social spheres. (In other words, we piss off both sides.) But  never before has it been more evident that news is subjective to the bias of its storyteller. For a right-wing perspective, watch Fox. For left-wing news, watch MSNBC. Every story, no matter how bizarre or atrocious, can be spun according to one’s political affiliation in this country. This is a growing problem in our news and social media platforms. To prove our point, we took 10 major news stories from this week and asked two of our readers, each from opposing political affiliations, to summarize the stories in their own words. What we found was fascinating.

About the participants: 

Barry is a lifelong conservative who believes less government is good government. Barry does not believe equality is an issue that is still relevant in America today, and if anything, white males are “the most persecuted individuals in the country.” Barry is opposed to gun control, has bought over 100 Dr. Seuss books in the last month and believes election systems are rigged — but only in the areas where Republican candidates lost. Barry also believes that being forced to wear a mask is a violation of his constitutional rights and refers to himself as a “patriot” when he tells others on social media not to shop at places that require masks for entry. Barry enjoys a nice pair of khaki pants, boat shoes and polo shirts “with a stiff collar, like the ones from his fraternity days.” Barry believes all news is fake news unless it comes from the dark web or Tucker Carlson. And Barry hates Nancy Pelosi for a list of reasons we can’t fit here.

Trevor is a lifelong liberal. He believes big government is the best government and that anyone who disagrees with him is an uneducated Neanderthal whose family obviously could not afford private schools. Trevor is staunchly against gun ownership, believes in universal basic income and has incorrectly predicted that half of the world will be under water three times in the past five years. Trevor claims to be an expert on equality because he occasionally “spoke to the only minority” in his high school during homeroom. Trevor loves to boast about his Native American heritage and claims to have an “inherent connection” with Mother Earth, although Ancestory.com disappointingly revealed that Trevor is 99.987% of German and English origins. Trevor believes in higher taxes for everyone, except on his own personal trust fund. Trevor loves a comfortable pair of 100% hemp slacks and sandals made from recycled ocean pollutants. Trever loves Noam Chomsky and hates Ted Nugent.

  1. Headline: DOJ Investigating Rep. Matt Gaetz in Sex Probe with 17-Year-Old Female 

Barry’s Take:  Matt Gaetz reminds me of my fraternity president in college. Sure, he says some stupid and semi-racist things and can get a little handsy when he’s had a few beers, but he’s a good guy and this is an obvious frame-job attempt by the liberal, federal government. 

Trevor’s Take: Is anyone really surprised by this? 

  1. Headline: Biden to Make Assault Rifle Reform a Key Initiative After Boulder Shootings 

Barry’s Take: Look at Chicago! Chicago, man! Come on, it doesn’t work in Chicago so we might as well all own assault rifles to protect ourselves from gangs and zombies. Chicago, man!! 

Trevor’s Take: This just goes to show we should take every gun away from every citizen and replace them with indoor garden kits.

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  1. Headline: Child Migrants Still Packed into Crowded Detention Camps along Mexico & U.S. Border 

Barry’s Take:  This was “fake news” when Trump was president. Now it’s a real issue that we need to address. 

Trevor’s Take: This used to be Trump’s fault. But now it’s the Republican-led Senate’s fault … wait, I mean the Republican-led House’s fault. Wait, what was the question? 

  1. Headline: Outcome of George Floyd Trial Will Shape America’s Future

Barry’s Take: If you don’t want to be roughed up by the police, don’t do anything wrong. I always show my hands when my cop buddy, Ricky, who’s also my hunting buddy, pulls me over for running a stop sign or two (Note: Barry also believes it’s OK to “rough someone up” if they have any type of criminal background, although Barry has two DUIs).

Trevor’s Take: You’ve got to be f*%king kidding me. 

  1. Headline: 9th Accuser Comes Forward with Allegations Against Gov. Andrew Cuomo

Barry’s take: Is anyone really surprised by this?

Trevor’s Take:  Governor Cuomo reminds me of my college fraternity president. Sure, he says some stupid and semi-racist things and can get a little handsy when he’s had a few beers, but he’s a good guy and this is an obvious frame-job attempt by the conservative, federal government.

  1. Georgia GOP Passes Major Law to Limit Voting

Barry’s Take: Our freedoms are under attack and everyone knows the elections were rigged in Georgia. And the only way to solve this problem is to never, ever give out water to hot, thirsty people in long voting lines. 

Trevor’s Take: Ring Ring … ”Hello?”  —  “Hi, 1954, this is 2021 calling….we’re going to need you to go back where you came from.”

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